hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
should my penis look like a turkey
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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