So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
