38 yer olds are good kisserssss
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
