so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Small penises have feelings too.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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