just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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