I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
