Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
