i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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