Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Come on in and take your pants off
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