hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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