Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
