Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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