I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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