we have pet lesbian snakes
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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