You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
