someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
