maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My ATM looks so different sober.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
