She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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