he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
