Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
