im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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