I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
