have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
