whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
