Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
