Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
