they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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