Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
