here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
