The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
