I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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