On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
