Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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