the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
