Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
