And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
