I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
