Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
