Non-Jews are for practice
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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