About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She told me I should be a condom model.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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