sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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