I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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