I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
