my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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