why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
