I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
