A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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