my phone needs a breathalizer
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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