I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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