Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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