I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
