if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
